Teenagers, Sex, and the Church

There’s an awful lot of noise over the results of a new study to be released in the next issue of the journal Reproductive Health. In it, the survey found that:

U.S. states whose residents have more conservative religious beliefs on average tend to have higher rates of teenagers giving birth, a new study suggests. (MSNBC story)

Looking at the top 10 states, according to the survey, it’s not all that difficult to argue with this conclusion. The top 10 states in teen pregnancy are, in order: Mississippi, New Mexico, Texas, Arkansas, Arizona, Oklahoma, Nevada, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Georgia. Of those states, only AZ, NM, and NV don’t register in the top 12 most religious states.

This should be sounding alarm bells in the heads of every church-goer who reads this. The simple fact is this…..

…..the Church’s current approach to discussing sex with teenagers is not working. Period.

What’s the common consensus church position on teens and sex? Simple.

1) Don’t do it.

2) Save it for marriage.

That’s it.

Now, as parents, what is the quickest way to get your kids to do something? Tell them not to do it. Trite as it sounds, I would be body parts that that’s at least part of what’s going on here. However, I believe there’s something deeper going on here, and we, as adults, parents, and leaders in the church, bear the responsibility for it.

I don’t know any parent that looks forward to having “the Talk” with their kids. I don’t. I’ve got 3, including a 14 year old daughter who just recently has her first boyfriend. The thought of having that talk with her frightens the crap out of me. I’m sooooo incredibly thankful that my wife has begun that conversation with my 14 year old.

I think that, in the church, that same attitude prevails. We’re so scared to have that conversation that our advice to the teens in the church body is simply “Don’t!” or some other equally empty platitude.

Ok…deep breath….

The Church needs to fundamentally rethink its approach to teens and sex. The behavior modification (Just Say NO) method is antiquated and ineffective. We must go beyond abstinence pledges and purity rings and begin to develop a well rounded approach….and, yes, this means we need to start talking about things like safe sex.

Now some will say “isn’t that just encouraging them to have sex?” No, it’s not. I once heard someone say “A condom is like a seatbelt….it may not be the hand of God that saves you, but it significantly improves your odds!”

Now, we teach our kids how to do everything else safely, even those things we don’t like them doing, so I question why sex is different? Part of it, I believe, is because we’re scared to talk to them about it. But we need to stop pretending that kids don’t have sex…. we all need to move out of the state of denial and back into the reality based community.

We also have to do a better job at explaining why. Going beyond scripture and diving deep into the “icky” issues, such as the emotional consequences not only for them, but for the other person as well. We need to do better in helping them to develop a strong sense of self-esteem and respect not only for themselves, but for others.

TV and movies portray sex as ‘no big deal’ and, for some, it may never be a big deal. But I truly believe that the Church fails the teens in their congregations when they ignore the deeper and more difficult issues surrounding sex and instead, stick their fingers in their years and shout “Just say NO!”

We also have to be better about counseling them when they DO have sex. We need to cast off the attitude that teens who have sex are not really “Christian” or they’re “dirty” or they’re a “bad influence”. Shaming them is not going to solve anything. In fact, it’s only going to drive them from the church, drive them from their parents, and make them less likely to talk about things or seek advice when they’re scared or in trouble. We need to remember the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman at the well…. “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” One by one they all left until she had no more accusers. Jesus then told her he doesn’t condemn her, loved her, and sent her out with a “Go and sin no more.” We, as adults, should learn from this story.

As a parent, and as an adult leader in our Church’s youth ministry, the prospect of opening this can of worms is a little intimidating. Not because of what the students will think, but because of what the parents would think.

Teens today have access to more information than any previous generation. If we don’t open this dialogue with them, it’s almost guaranteed they’ll get bad information…particularly from friends and the internet. We all want them to wait until they’re physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready….but if we don’t talk to them, how will they know when they are?

It’s time for us, as adults in the Church, to stop being scared. The teenage years are tough enough, and it’s time for us to walk with them and guide them into adulthood and stop treating them exclusively like children.

http://lovingaccuracy.blogspot.com/ dRo

1) If the teenagers are not saved, then they have much worse issues facing them than the possibility of pregnancy. (see, judgement, condemnation, hell)

2) There may be room to increase biblical studies, create a more accountable environment, encourage regulary prayer,ect. Teaching teens in our churches a way to have safe-sin is not proper.

dRo
Peter J. Bower

Bradley,
I only say that holding to a high standard and expecting your kid to do the same through Christ is honorable, and thouroughly possible. I was raised that way, my mom and dad were virgins when they married, and I was 28 and a virgin when married, my wife was 27 and a virgin when we married, as was her mom and dad. a rich heritage indeed. This is not meant to be boastful(only in the Lord), because there were temptations all along the way, for both of us. It doesn’t mean we didn’t sin. 1 corinthians 6:18 tells us sexual sin is sinning against your own body. Daniel DETERMINED before God to keep himself pure. We must as responsible Christ-followers adhere ardently to truth. It never changes with time, it is always constant, and always,ALWAYS relevant to today. It is the Power of Christ in us, not us, that has the ability to ward off the power of the enemy.
We have been so mesmerized by our culture and its allure to materialism, that we have been lulled to sleep, and no longer are effective for Christ. We need to wake up.
Mrichardson

Ok honestly Pastor Craig said it perfectly, ” Sex is Sticky” you say you want an explanation as to why sex outside of marriage is bad? (apparently Jesus saying it is not enough). You have one! Every encounter, physical or emotional leaves you with less than a complete “YOU”. To give you someday spouse! And the more of these encounters you have, the less and less of “You” there is left. Also these encounters do not just leave a piece of you somewhere it shouldn’t be, but now you have to carry a piece of that person with you FOREVER into any and every relationship you ever have! That is what is called “baggage”. Any of this sound familiar? By the time you have gone thru a hundred or so encounters, do you even k Now who you are anymore? Let alone who you were meant to be for your spouse…. So if you need an explaination? There you go!! Kids however see a million or so reasons not to do things they know are wrong and choose to do them anyway! I as a parent, heck as a human being would like an explaination for that. I, as anyone who knows me, am not afraid to talk to anyone about anything. Tell me what I could say to make a difference and I will gladly shout it from the roof tops! All of the parents here would. But would anyone listen?
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

All:

I am truly grateful for the vigorous, honest, and respectful debate on this topic. IMO, this is a conversation that the Church needs to have. If we honestly expect the Church to make a difference in this world we, as the church, need to take the world head on….and sometimes that gets messy.

I am a little disappointed, however, that the words I have written have been misinterpreted as teen sex being ok. Nothing is further from the truth. Just because I believe that we need to have the conversation, including contraception, does NOT imply an endorsement. Teens are nowhere near ready for sex. That fact is not in dispute in my mind. Neither is the fact that the only thing that is 100% effective is abstinence.

This wasn’t intended to be a conversation about the merits of teen sexuality, but of how the Church can better address the subject.

Have no fear, I love you all, and will be addressing your comments… just not tonight.

Tonight is date night and my wife and I are off to see the B-52′s.

….so check back this weekend. Please, feel free to continue the conversation.
Claire

I wonder (someone may have already said this, sorry if so) if part of the problem is this…the numbers for teen pregnancy/ teen sex are rising because of a lack of accountability in general, NOT the broadness of information given (I mean the contraceptive stuff). Times are different, and the family unit is dissolving. *There are less parents GIVING the black and white message, not that the message itself is not valid and sufficient.* I feel this may be why we think the message is failing…but it’s the parents. The only place a lot of teens get a solid message is church, why start to waffle on a clear teaching? They get enough contraceptive information everywhere else, let’s be the constant voice of truth. I feel pretty in touch with this one, I’m only 24! Not that anyone else isn’t, but teens seem to think you get dumber and more out of touch with years (heck I did).
Claire

Also, Brad, you may take a moment to humble yourself to some very thoughtful and wise adults. In the most loving way possible, you tend to have a hard time humbling yourself; having something to prove. You have wisdom to gain from these people.
Claire

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http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

Our founding fathers drafted a government who almost without exception were devout followers of the God of the Bible, as was Blackstone, one of the original founders of law at the time. They said freedom cannot and will not be enduring unless it is founded on the concepts the Bible teaches.

I can’t tell you what a common misconception this is. Most of the Founders were nowhere near what we would consider Orthodox Christians, but, in fact, were non-trinitarian heterodox Christians…..but that’s a topic for another day.

Romans 1 has nothing to do with “liberalism” sneaking into the church..and if you really want to get technical, it has nothing to do with homosexuality as we know it today. When it is used in that way, it is completely devoid of context and, in fact, is a perversion of scripture.

James 2 talks about playing favorites and how a “faith without works is dead”.

If we teach our children that sin is o.k., that sex outside of marriage is o.k. (even if done “safely”), then we have just given them license to do as they please. It also indirectly says that even when married, it is also no big deal to have sex with someone other than your spouse. This is dangerous thinking, man’s thinking, that presents us with a slippery slope that ultimately leads to the pit of hell.

First of all, my position is NOT teaching them that sin is o.k. That’s a stretch and, quite honestly, falsely stating my position. I also don’t think so lowly of teens as you do by assuming that if we teach them about safer sex then it’s the same as giving them license to boink away. IMO, that position is not intellectually honest.

Ephesians 5 talks about how we are to imitate Christ
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

The most disturbing part of this article is how you managed to distort the text of John 8:7-11.

Actually, I didn’t. But you’re welcome to your opinion.

In the story of the adulterous woman at the well (which some scholars believe wasn’t part of the original manuscripts), they didn’t come looking for affirmation, but to trip him up. One does have to question what form of adultery this woman committed. Secondly, if they’re talking the law of Moses, in the Law the man was never guilty of adultery, he could only be the victim.

See, the purpose of the church is not to condemn….

Which was my whole point in using this text. The Church often responds as those holding the stones instead of responding like Jesus.

Second, it’s not clear in the text that this woman is a “sexual sinner”. In fact, she may have been divorced or lost a husband and then married another man which, in scripture, is also defined as adultery.

Jesus says “Go, and sin no more”. Not “Save it for marriage”, nor is it the message of abstinence.

Quite honestly, you’re showing here that you really don’t get what this text is truly saying.

You stated that this counsel is “antiquated and ineffective.” Are you stating that the command of Jesus is antiquated and ineffective?

No, that’s not at all what I said….not even close.

Let’s take your advice to it’s ultimate conclusion.

I’m not going to dignify these sorts of “ticking time bomb” hypothetical scenarios with an answer. If it makes you feel better to make up positions for me and attribute meanings to my words, then by all means, go for it. Just don’t expect me to sit idly by while you pervert my words.

Do you see how silly this is?

Yes, I see how silly you’re being here. Seriously, teaching kids about safe sex is NOT teaching that sin is OK.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

1) Teach your children the truth, that sex is meant to be reserved for marriage.

Uhh…that’s my whole point. Perhaps you should go back and read my words again.

2) Don’t put your children in situations where they can have sex, and expect them to resist. Instead, stand with your children and act as a parent and do your best to keep them from those situations.

I don’t disagree there.

3) Teach your children to fear God, not man.

Actually, I teach my kids to revere (the proper translation) God, not be afraid of him.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

Boundaries are great. I think they should be clear and concise.

….make it clear that crossing that line will lead to HORRIBLE consequences

I agree that kids should know actions have consequences. But I also don’t want them so terrified that they’re afraid to come to me if they DO make a mistake. That leads to worse things.

Dont say “this is bad, but iif you do it this way it is LESS bad” That is a confusing message and WILL lead to sin. I do not think that is what we want to lead our children to. Do we?

If you think teaching them about safe sex will lead them to sin then you really don’t have much faith in either the kids or the methods you’re using to send the message to your kids.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

Then, when Jesus tells us to sin no more, is it, too, shallow?

Where’d you get the straw for that argument?

Should He have given us a discourse on how, if we make the wrong decision how to make the impact in our lives more tolerable?

Now you’re just getting silly.

Does this mean, then, that if our child decides to murder, I should council him/her on how not to get caught knowing full well that so many choose to murder? Give him a lesson in how to wear gloves, evade police? A knife is always available to me child as well. Should I counsel on how to not share needles should they decide to use i.v. drugs? Give them a demo?

I stand corrected. Now you’re being stupid.

would it not be better to instruct on sin and its consequences, then when the child sins, they experience the destruction that accompanies it, and learn, and grow closer to God.

Umm, perhaps you missed the point in all your hypothetical hysteria….. I have never said ANYTHING that could be interpreted as it being “ok” or that they shouldn’t be taught consequences. This is the sort of intellectual dishonesty and inability to think critically that poisons the church.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

So, perhaps I should teach them other options. Instead of deceiving others, they will now have the option to not tell the truth, or is that still lying?

You’ve gone from condemning hypotheticals to using one yourself. Interesting.

But that’s not the meat of your error in this post.

Heb 10:29 is not talking about everyday sin, it is in the context of apostasy. I’ll let Matthew Henry take it from here:

The sin here mentioned is a total and final falling away, when men, with a full and fixed will and resolution, despise and reject Christ, the only Saviour; despise and resist the Spirit, the only Sanctifier; and despise and renounce the gospel, the only way of salvation, and the words of eternal life. Of this destruction God gives some notorious sinners, while on earth, a fearful foreboding in their consciences, with despair of being able to endure or to escape it. But what punishment can be sorer than to die without mercy?

That’s what this part of Hebrews is talking about.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

Paint the picture of sin as being so abhorrent then maybe we would actually restore the shame that sin should impress upon all of us.

Jesus came to take away our shame.

Shame prevents kids from talking to their parents. Shame prevents kids from seeking help and advice. Shame prevents kids from understanding how much their parents love them. Shame prevents kids from understanding how much Christ loves them….and sometimes…..

….shame is what motivates kids to seek an abortion. Shame is what motivates teenage girls to hide their pregnancies and once they give birth, toss their babies in a dumpster. Shame is what prevents kids from seeking a doctor’s care if they think they have an STD, leading them to pass it on to others. Shame is also what leads some kids to take their own lives.

Shame tells us we’re not good enough. Shame tells us we’re not loved. Shame tells us we’re not worthy to be loved. Shame tells us life would be so much better if we weren’t here.

Ask someone who either lived with, or is still living with, the impact of being shamed by their parents as a kids. Ask them how healthy their relationships are and have been. Ask them how strong is their sense of self worth. Ask them how being ashamed led to seeking validation through things like sex and drugs.

Shame sucks. Those that preach shame truly don’t understand the message of Christ.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

To refer to a focus on the preservation of life and the obedience to the sixth commandment as shortsided is not only poor theology, but is really dumb.

To misinterpret what I said in this regard is dumb. What I said was, to focus on the #’s of abortions as the ONLY metric is shortsighted…. which is different from what you said I said.

I’m beginning to grow tired with the stunning display of intellectual dishonesty and the constant mangling of not only the context of my words, but my words themselves.

Our God is a mighty God, and it is always proper and worthwhile to understand His commandments and to strive to honor Him with our life.

I agree. Nothing I have said contradicts that.

If you would like an image of what it would be like if we gave our children a worldy-acceptable view of God’s call to holiness just look at the Lutheran church…..

Now you’re going all Pharisaical and, quite honestly, a little overboard. I’ve not said that we should give our kids a “worldly view of holiness”. I’ve not said that teenage sex was ok. I’ve not said anything to that effect whatsoever.

What I’m talking about is the methodology the Church uses, not the message itself.

It absolutely floors me that people cannot separate the two.

Let me ask you the same question I asked Dean earlier….if someone tells you something is bad for you, do you just accept them at their word, or do you venture to find out why?
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

It sends a mixed message when we say “Here is sin and here is SAFE sin”. It just is completely naive to think that children can get it.

No, it doesn’t say that at all. Pardon my french, but that’s a horseshit excuse to avoid teaching that subject. Not all kids will learn the same way. That is why the methodology, not the message, must change. Will all kids get it? No. But to say that they’re incapable of getting it is, to use your word, naive.

It amazes me that we, as adults, can hold the opinion that kids are just not as smart as we are, are incapable of understanding complex topics, should just take what we say on faith for the first 18-20 years of their lives and then all of a sudden turn around and expect those same kids to be fully functional adults.

We handicap them by not helping them to develop critical thinking skills throughout their childhood. This isn’t to say you can teach a toddler to think critically, but as they reach the teen years, you can help them begin to see the connections between, say, actions and consequences, so that when they come across these situations they have a better chance of making the right decision.

Will they be right 100% of the time? No.

Paul did not do the things he knew he should all the time, how can we expect our kids to?
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

I got sex ed in high school, all the details. It glorified sex, ….

…and IMO that methodology was wrong, too.

I was in an environment of black and white doctrine. I STILL chose to “mess up”.

Which is my point, exactly. Even when raised in environments of accountability, truth, and black and white doctrine, kids are still going to mess up and make the wrong choices.

Now, knowing that you and I were brought up in the same faith, I know that the topic of contraception is verboten!

How would friends/family reacted had you gotten pregnant at that time?

I truly agree that sex should be discussed more clearly and with clear consequence, but not with a back door out if the sin is chosen.

See, I don’t see it as a “back door”. If we think kids are not ready for sex, then how can we maintain a position on contraception that, if taken to its final conclusion, results in teenage parents? Do we honestly think that they’re ready for parenthood?
Claire

First of all, you are kind of getting ugly about all this-I have approached you respectfully. I’ll be done reading after this I guess.

Growing up with the “black and white doctrine and still choosing to mess up” is to say that if I had also been given information IN my home on how to buffer the sin, I would have started a lot sooner.

Yep, contraception is not allowed in the Catholic church, but that is a pointless observance, because they DO teach NFP (natural familiy planning, all jokes aside whether it works or not) which could be taught in place of the other contraceptives if we were going to include more education. So the issue would still apply there of whether to change the method or not.

I have two cousins who got pregnant young, and several abortions in the family. I can say firsthand they are still a welcome, natural part of our lives, and “forgiven and not judged’…however you wanna say that. So however YOUR family/friends would react may be guiding your thoughts…don’t project onto me.

I honestly am confused by your last statement, I don’t know what you’re trying to say. I’m probably misunderstanding, but it sounds like you think more education would result in less teen parents? Well kids already know what their options are, they just choose to be stupid and have unprotected sex or not disclose that they are passing on STD’s…in every case I have personally met. I wont speak for others.

I see your original words for what they are, your meaning is good, that sex itself is not acceptable, you just want to help kids protect themselves. But you mentioned shame,, and I think you are going overboard in some senses. I think in some cases that word shame could be replaced with a holy fear of God, and THAT motivates us to do the RIGHT thing. Not shame.

It’s just still a compromise. You wrote about “when did we stop striving for excellence?” the other day…well I think you are setting the bar kind of low when you say don’t have sex, but in case you can’t stack up, here’s how to protect yourself. Expect excellence! If they are mini adults as you say, they can deal with adult consequences. Maybe teach them that part.
http://csalafia.wordpress.com csalafia

If I came across as combative, that wasn’t my intent. I was asking honestly.

As far as ‘getting ugly’, when, after repeated corrections, my words are still taken to “mean teen sex is ok” or “maybe we should teach them to do drugs safely”, or “perhaps we should advise them to wear gloves when they kill someone”, yes, I get a little frustrated. I’ve said, in no uncertain terms, that I agree they’re not ready, I agree they should wait, I agree there should be consequences, I agree they should be taught what they are…. I don’t know how I can make that any clearer.

Again… the point here is NOT that we should say teen sex is ok, but maybe it’s time to look at the Church’s methodology to communicate its message. These are two completely separate subjects. We in the church need to be able to separate the two so the most efficient method can be used to effectively communicate the church’s message.

I can say firsthand they are still a welcome, natural part of our lives, and “forgiven and not judged’….So however YOUR family/friends would react may be guiding your thoughts…don’t project onto me.

Great, I was asking an honest question. Although I grew up Catholic, my parents were hippies, and, from what we’ve talked about, I gather your family upbringing was more conservative than mine. I think I was the first member of my family in 2 generations to get married FIRST, then have children….so my experience would be different than yours.

But you mentioned shame,, and I think you are going overboard in some senses. I think in some cases that word shame could be replaced with a holy fear of God, and THAT motivates us to do the RIGHT thing. Not shame.

Again…I agree. I think a holy fear, or reverence, of God is more than healthy. Should there be a feeling of guilt when we fail to live up to God’s standards? Absolutely.

However, the meaning of the writer was, simply, shame. Shame is a destructive emotion. Shame causes one to identify themselves AS their actions.

Well kids already know what their options are, they just choose to be stupid and have unprotected sex or not disclose that they are passing on STD’s…in every case I have personally met.

…and this goes to the core of what I’m trying to discuss. If we’re preaching the same message over and over and there doesn’t seem to be any impact, then perhaps our methodology, the way we’re conveying our message isn’t working. Even Jesus used different symbols, different literary devices, different words, different actions to convey his message.

As far as it being a compromise, you and I will just have to agree to disagree on that point. I believe that if we, as the Church, are going to impact lives and the world, we can’t be afraid to talk about these things. Just because we talk about it doesn’t mean that we condone or support it or even think it’s a good idea. It’s confronting reality… it’s taking the world head on.

Jesus didn’t shy away from controversial topics, so why do we?
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